The month of December has flown by, and I have spent most of it on vacation from work, and I still got maybe only 2 days of purely relax time.
Halloween was very fun. I went to 2 parties. The first one I met KitKitt, who was dressed as a centuar. I convinced her to use the prize money she won at that costume contest towards the following night's contest, and picked her up that night. The major problem was that she is celiac, and had had some drinks the night before, so her spine was on fire all that day and night. Essentially, she sat in pain the whole night, got up onstage to win the contest, then promptly sat back down for the rest of the night. I took care of her off and on throughout the night, so she split her winnings with me. That got me $60 in Fantasy gift cards, which I later used to buy a neon electrostatic wand. So yeah, I had some fun, got some cool pictures, and got the night for free :). I still felt a bit used, but I got enjoyment out of the night anyway.
After Halloween, things became a bit of a blur. I was off work for the last three weeks of December, and it seemed I was working on cosplay and hanging out with Sablahn for most of it.
December 14th I went to the premier of the final Hobbit movie dressed as Smeagle, along with Travis, Brittany, Corissa, and Sablahn. We took some cool photos of us all dressed up. People really liked my Smeagle :). Best part was, it only took a day or so to put it all together. A nude leotard, a loincloth, and a bald cap with glued-on long strands of hair, and it was done! The hardest part was actually finding a fish to put in my mouth. I couldn't find a realistic rubber fish anywhere, so I ended up with a stuffed Nemo :P. I also found out that the three Hobbit movies were going to be played back-to-back, with hardly any break time. So I (always food-insecure and even more so now that I make sure Sablahn eats) brought an entire grocery bag of treats, which Sablahn snuck inside her "Thorin in a barrel" costume :). We totally looked like movie pros - all costumed up, and even had a table full of food.
December 20th was the dojo's holiday party. While there was less prep involved this year, it still took a lot of my focus to make sure belt testing was completed and the party went off without a hitch. I also made up a complete inventory list of all the equipment at the dojo, and looked up the new prices for each item so we'll have an idea of what to sell it for.
Shortly after that I found out that Sablahn's mom really needed help moving stuff from her house that she sold, because they were closing that weekend. So, I spent a couple days helping her move.
I went to see Sablahn the first night of the move because she was feeling really shitty because of cramps and not eating. I brought her some sushi, and stayed with her that night. In the morning, I got up, and found that some asshole broke my driver's side rear window to snatch my backpack that was full of dirty clothes. So, I had to wait 3 days to get a spot at the glass company to fix it. Right after that I went to get my oil changed, and asked them to vacuum up any remaining glass they found. I don't know if they pranked me or what, but after that my car smelled like rotten broccoli. I tried to take care of it myself using a car carpet foam cleaner, and it just made it worse. I didn't have time to take it in to have it professionally cleaned, because I wanted to have Groot done before NewCon.
I spent Christmas with Joel and Trissa and their families. We had a great time just sitting around doing nothing. Trissa asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her to get me chocolate. She was afraid I would feel left out while everyone was opening multiple gifts, so she individually wrapped like 5 different chocolate things lol. We ended the night by watching "The Interview". I could see why the North Koreans put up such a fuss to not get this movie shown. It was both funny and incredibly offensive :)
Somewhere in the month a debt collector called about the last student loan that we had to clear up after our bankruptcy. We owed $40,000, and were presented with 3 options:
1. $10,000 up front, and $300/month for 95 months,
2. $4,000 up front, and $500/month for 72 months,
3. $26,000 total payoff
Thankfully, I was able to get a 401k loan, so we paid it all off, and now we have to pay $500/month into my 401k loan. And that finishes off all our student loans! I only have one other small one that's like $50/month. Whew! With that out of the way, the road is clear to begin the divorce proceedings.
The New Year's party was incredibly powerful. I won't say "bad" because I know I needed to be in that situation to learn life lessons. I also won't go into it here, except to say that I felt incredibly unattractive, unwanted, and humiliated. It took me 2-3 days to get over the trauma of that experience, and to process it all. I definitely found out what friends will catch me when I fall.
This past week I've been going out to ecstatic dance every night, trying to get into the community. These really are my people - new age hippies, expressing fully and freely, with wild abandon during their dance. I've met a few new people, and re-connected with a couple people that I met over the summer. I don't make friends that easily, so it's a slow process for me. But I figure if I show up to enough dances, things will slowly fall into place.
Mon, Oct. 27th, 2014, 01:35 pm
I knew getting my Groot costume was going to be tight, and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to finish it. The second weekend in Oct. I was gone for a Karate tournament.
The next weekend I worked on it, but didn't get near as done as I wanted to. I found that I wasn't going to be able to finish the top, so Sablahn and I went shopping at JoAnn's to get some silk leaves to do some scale mail and pauldrons. We ended up spending quite a bit of time there, planning things out. When it's all done, it will be awesome!
Last weekend I actually did finish the legs, and they are spectacular! But, this is the last week before Halloween. Somehow I have to get the sleeves, pauldrons, crown, and wings all done tonight or Wednesday night. Otherwise, I guess I'll just go as the satyr again. That will be fine, but I was really hoping to have this done!
Poor Sablahn is feeling the pressure too. I found out she actually took on a full time student load, while keeping her job at the mall. Then she's been skipping out on homework and classes in order to sleep. Bleah. We've re-prioritized schoolwork ahead of time together, so I hope that will help. Now when she comes over, she spends most of her time on homework while I cook. (Sigh) at least we can still snuggle at night.
I've been feeling a little closed off lately. I think a big part of it was just over-exerting myself and feeling overwhelmed with all the things going on. I haven't had a good rest weekend in months. But, and interesting realization came about because of it.
Last night I was telling Sablahn that I didn't think she realized just how much her mom and Corissa love her. A little later, I said I wondered if we were meant to learn our lessons from each other, and she would eventually go back to Corissa after she learned.
After talking a bit, she told me she didn't think I realized how much she loved me. I tried the concept on, and it was right. I have a very hard time feeling how much others love me. It took me a while, but I finally realized what it was tied to: my major childhood issue of nobody wanting to play with me. Nowadays, I can't believe anyone really wants to be with me, so I discount them when they tell me they love me. I discounted Sablahn, telling myself that she's young, that she doesn't know what she's feeling, that later more mature love will happen for someone else other than me.
I protect myself in all kinds of ways, one of which is playing the nobility card. I anticipate people leaving me, and I make it ok for myself because I take satisfaction that I've taught them things to take into their next relationship. It's ok that they go off into the sunset, without me, because I made it possible for them to do it.
I have a consistent belief that I don't deserve others' love. I work hard and give a lot of myself to gain their appreciation, because I only let a tiny fraction of their appreciation into my heart.
Pretty soon, I've tipped the balance of the relationship by giving so much, that it creates distance - they feel there's nothing they can do to make up for all the things I've done for them. Sensing the distance, I do more, which creates more of an imbalance.
For those of you who don't know, I've been dating a girl named Sablahn since I went to Faerieworlds. We've been keeping it a secret because she was worried people she knew wouldn't accept her, especially her former girlfriend Corissa. Sablahn has had to go through an identity crisis with me being her boyfriend, since before me she was a gold-star lesbian.
Since the beginning, we've agreed that this won't be a permanent relationship. She knows that eventually she's going to end up with a girl, and I know our age difference will probably eventually lead us down different life paths.
While we're together though, it's been a hugely heart-opening experience for both of us - we connect incredibly strongly. We've both cried in each others' arms at different times, and we've taught each other so much already. I am incredibly grateful to have her in my life. The following describes the two biggest coming-out events that Sablahn has had to go through:
Sept 29, 2014:
Sablahn and I had stayed over at her and her mother's house multiple times by now, and have been rather amazed that her mother hasn't suspected that we're anything more than friends. Sablahn has been reluctant to tell her Mom because it means she's no longer a strict lesbian, and she's previously fought very hard for that.
That weekend I was helping her move out of her Mom's house, and into a small shared-studio by PSU. At one point Friday night I gave her a peck on the lips while we thought her Mom was in another room. Her Mom came in, and said "I saw that." Sablahn immediately said "You saw nothing!" "I did, I saw-" You saw Nothing!" "ok, I saw nothing (smile)"
We all continued packing for another 15 minutes, and I convinced Sablahn to just come out with it, directing her to say "So, that thing you saw, yeah, that was real". Sablahn went over to her mom, and started to say it, and her mom cut her off "I saw nothing!" It was pretty funny. 30 minutes later we all had the conversation, and her mom completely accepted everything like it was nothing. She even encouraged us to stop thinking this wasn't going to be a lasting relationship. In the following days of the move, her mom and I got along really well, and continue to.
Sablahn at this point is still very afraid of Corissa, her former girlfriend, finding out about us, because she still loves her dearly, and doesn't want anything to get in the way of their friendship.
Oct 4, 2014:
I had joined the Sex Positive Portland meetup group over the summer, and they were having their first annual slutty prom at the Velvet Rope - a sex club in downtown Portland. Since Sablahn wasn't 21, I couldn't bring her, so I invited Corissa to be my wingman. She texted me back asking if she could bring her boyfriend. This was a shock to me that she had a boyfriend, and I found out that she had been hiding him from Sablahn because Sablahn had been extremely bi-phobic at the beginning of the year. She was thinking of telling her though, because Sablahn seemed much more stable now. I found all this out via text Thursday night, and couldn't withold laughter and talking to myself in my room. Both Sablahn AND Corissa were hiding their boyfriends from each other, thinking that they wouldn't accept it! I immediately texted Sablahn that I couldn't say any more, but the opportunity to tell Corissa would present itself Saturday.
Friday I went shopping for clothes for the prom, taking Sablahn with me, and I told her a bit more - that Corissa will reveal something vulnerable about herself, and that will present the opportunity.
So, Saturday comes, and Corissa tells Sablahn, and Sablahn tells Corissa, and both are totally fine with it lol.
Right after UBC on Saturday I went home and got into my Satyr costume. I realized I left my wallet at the dojo, so I went back, all dressed, so some dojo people actually saw it :)
There were a lot of performances at the fair, and thankfully I had researched what I wanted to see when - I couldn't have seen it all in one day had I not prepared a schedule. There was a rat circus, a magician, a buccaneer brawl, and improv show, an acrobat show, various musical shows, 2 jousts, and my favorite: a variety show called "The Washing Wenches". It was hilarious.
I of course posed for more photos along the way :). About 2:30pm I met Auggie (Karate student) at the gate to get him in with my 2-for-1 ticket. We went to see the gypsy belly dance, the washing wenches, and the joust.
Tela had told me the wrong weekend to come to the Harmon Family Camping Trip - everybody else arrived the previous weekend. But as I was making plans, I discovered most people were still there. This ended up perfect for me, because it allowed me to go to the Beloved Festival last weekend, and still meet up with Family this weekend!
Tela picked me up from the airport Friday noon, and we had a great talk all the way to CDA. She laughed at my adventures a lot, saying all the festivals I went to were Faerieworlds lol.
We met up with everyone over at CDA lake, and I did some wakeboarding with Betty's boys, showing them how to get up. Then we all went back to Mom&Dad's to have hot dogs and other stuff. Friday night we all went to the Coer d'Alene casino to have their all-you-can-eat crab. I ended up making a spectacle of myself among the family because I ate so much :).
We spent Saturday night at their camp, then spent Saturday on Pend Orielle Lake. We wakeboarded some more, hung out at the beach, and also were privileged enough to see a mountain goat and her baby on the cliffs!
Saturday evening I cooked hamburgers for everyone, we all hung out, then Kim and I hit the bars. At one point a girl in the bar called me out for cheating on Kim anytime she left lol. I introduced Kim, said she was my sister, and we had a great conversation after that. I did discover that I like the Portland weird scene much more than CDA though. People are much more interesting here.
Sunday morning I went on a bike ride with Dan and Dar, then we all went to the Mongolian Grill for lunch, then I met with an old high school friend: Jim Windisch at Sharis, and talked for a while.
Then I came back, took a nap, and Tela dropped me off at the airport to go home. Had a very nice relaxing time.
On to Beloved!
I specifically booked the eco shuttle to get to this festival, because I wanted to make friends on the way. I met Tim, Brad, Augusta, Davi, Aspen, and four other people that I can't remember the names of on the way down. Brad, Davi, Augusta, and I agreed we were going to cuddle party sometime during the festival. I was sitting next to Augusta, and we both were going to camp in the far mosque, so she accompanied me there, and stayed at the site I picked while I got my stuff. I got set up, and she went to meet her friends. I saw her on my way back to the festival, and we agreed to meet up later.
I immediately wanted to go to a seminar: new to Beloved. It wasn't the introduction I expected. It was small group discussions of personal experiences of when we were included/excluded, or included/excluded others, and other discussions of appropriate boundaries. It was still cool to connect with some others there though.
By that time it was 6pm, and I was starting to get hungry and cold, so I ran back to camp to change, and went back to another seminar.
After the seminar, I danced for a long while. I saw Augusta, but she wanted to sleep with her friends that night. That was fine. I eventually went back to my camp alone to sleep. It was a slightly lonely, and cold night, and I realized that my tent wasn't as level as I thought it was.
The next morning I got up and went to another seminar: Solsara: connecting through honesty. It was AWESOME! I got there a little late, but joined in when they were pairing up and eye gazing. One guy I went with I could feel the vitality vibrating off him - he was a big bear of a man. But as we continued, I felt his sadness that no one takes care of him. Next we were to eye gaze, and only one person got to talk - just whoever decides to - about what's coming up for them. The first person I was with I told him how I was feeling tightness in my throat, how it's been a problem for a long while off and on. As I talked to him about it, I said: "I think it might have to do with my difficulty in asking for what I need. I'm very good at giving, but expressing the vulnerability of need is hard for me". Another guy I went with was very closed - tight-lipped, hard-eyed, etc. I stayed with him, open hearted, until his face softened, and his eyes started to redden. I said: "I think I'm supposed to talk about me, but, I just ... Are you hurting?" He nodded and began to cry. "Can I give you a really big hug?" He nodded, and we hugged for a long time. Another woman I went with cried as I was gazing with her. She said my eyes reminded her of her father. After the eye gazing, we lined up across from each other, sang a refrain, and did the "love walk" - you walk between the lines, and people lay loving hands on you. I think I was completely high after that. I saw Tim, walked over, and collapsed into a hug with him and the guy he was standing with. I started a bro hug that other guys got in on too :).
I got some lunch, danced a bit, wandered some more, met Emma by coming up and asking if she needed a backrest watching the dance floor. We talked for a while and found we were both going back to PDX in the same shuttle. I sat by the fire by the main stage, and heard a spoken story, and also a woman vocalizing in the background. Her voice was so pure and angelic, I had to go sit right by the stage and watch in wonder. As they finished I had tears rolling down my face. I went up and asked how to buy her album - her name is Peia. Right after that, I saw Aspen by the fire. I came up behind her and place my hands on her shoulders, said hi, and started giving her a massage. She loved it, so I gave her a longer one. We eventually moved from sitting at the fire to laying down on a blanket in the grass by the stage, caressing each other. I told her my life story with Heather, and she told me her life story with her boyfriend Jeff (I think). She's currently really confused about where they stand - they're poly, but he's the exclusive type. He's heading into a depression, and has started to take it out on her. They haven't talked in a week. We probably talked for an hour, and I gave her some of my best guesses as to what may be going on, and how to help him. Our talks wandered, and we caressed some more. At one point I heard someone say "Those two are giving out mad vibrations!" I don't know if they were talking about us or not, but I'd like to think they were :)
We decided to stay in her tent because she didn't want to be far from the music, so I want to get my sleeping bag and coats. We dropped my stuff off, and headed back towards the stage, but got sidetracked by an electric massage station. By the time we were done with that, we she was too tired to dance, so we went back to her tent. She relaxed/slept a little while we cuddled, then we had a bit of fun, then she went out to dance while I slept.
In the morning, we tried to get in on a sound healing, but it was over. Instead, there was a really cool talk from Taowhywee, Agnes Baker Pilgrim. She's a very spry old lady that has been a water activist, contributing to ridding the Rogue River of all of its dams, and now there are an unheard of number of salmon running that river.
After the seminar I went swimming in the nude swimming hole there that's right behind the main stage. It was cold water and very refreshing! I actually saw Davi there, and we ended up standing in the sun next to 3 others to dry off. Then everyone left but me and one other girl (Nicole). We hit it off really well, got some lunch, and danced, and lost each other on the dance floor. Then it was time for me to go to the return shuttle. I looked for her to say goodbye, but couldn't find her.
Back in the Shuttle, I said hi to Aspen, and sat in the back with Emma and her friend. We talked the whole way back.
(sigh) wonderful times.
Mon, Aug. 11th, 2014, 12:45 pm
So it's again been way too long since I've posted. I'm going to do my best to catch up.
My last post was about deciding what to do about Zach. I made the conscious decision to welcome him and ensure he feels safe in our home. He has moved out about 4 weeks ago to live with a friend in Milwaukie. During the time he was with us, we still didn't have much contact, but I was friendly toward him. Heather made a big effort to have a big Christmas dinner with all three of us at the table, but that was about the most contact I had with him. He and Heather lived upstairs, and I lived downstairs. I found that it really wasn't that hard - they were incredibly respectful the entire time.
October was also the start of a a big time of change for me. I decided to go the the Portland Erotic Ball, and needed a sexy costume, but I didn't want to be mundane - no cop/fireman, etc for me. I finally found something that resonated: a satyr! I can show off my abs, and my creativity! So I spent every weekend in the month of October researching how to do this and ordering parts. I took a photo of myself with a ruler at my knee, imported it into paint shop, drew in the lines I wanted for the legs, measured them with the digital image of the ruler, cut the foam, put the foam inside some stretchy pants, and took that to a seamstress to design the fur. I picked up horns, faun ears, and hoof tips online, and a big wig to hide the horns headband. I was ready by the weekend before Halloween!
The Portland Erotic Ball was a blast - everyone loved my costume, and I even had a customized pick-up line - "I noticed you shaved your legs, I didn't shave, am I allowed in here? Will you shave me?" I even tried the flogging station. I didn't enjoy my first time being flogged, and still don't really understand what people get out of it. I asked my flogger if that was a typical flogging, and he smiled the sweetest smile I'd ever seen on a guy. He brought me over to his rack of flogs, and said: "this is the one I started you on, this is the one I usually end people on, this one I had custom made (it's huge) and ended you on. You handled it like a trooper." Ok, so I handled it - I didn't really enjoy it. But hey, I know what the experience is like now :) I almost won the costume contest, but lost to a very deserving couple: He was a puppeteer leading her: a puppet, and they stopped, she bent over, and he unveiled Pinocchio under his kilt. It was hilarious!
The after party was held at the Velvet Rope Swingers Bar. I had made a friend at the Ball who showed me around. That night was pretty uneventful except right at the end of the night I saw a girl (Melia) dancing alone, so I danced with her for a while, and we hung around a while after, until she said her friends wanted to leave. I was trying to encourage her to stay, but settled for a great kiss and her phone number.
The following Wednesday was actually Halloween, so I went out dancing to a place that was having a costume party. That contest was more of a popularity contest than a costume contest, but I didn't care, because I left bringing someone with me for the night ;)
2 weekends later Tek gave me tickets to a hockey game, so I texted Melia and we went together. Hockey is MUCH more exciting in person! We had a great time in the Tek suite, with great food. At the end, I gave her the choice of me dropping her off at home, or enjoying my hot tub with me - she chose the hot tub, and we had a very good night.
Melia and I we pretty much together any weekend we could after that, up until March 21. A few weeks before that, Heather noticed that her flat iron was missing. I said I would keep an eye out for it, but didn't see it at her house. Then Melia and I went to Kinkfest March 21, and she brought it out of her bag, telling me a big story about how her stylist gave it to her. I took a photo of it while she was in the bathroom, texted it to Heather to verify it was hers - it was. So I waited till the end of Kinkfest, until I dropped her off, and said "This is going to be a difficult conversation, so I'm going to present it as factually as I can." She had a bit reaction, said it was absolutely nothing but a coincidence. It's a rare flat iron though. So, I asked to see it more closely to see if there was any identifying marks that Heather wouldn't recognize, but nothing came of that. I asked her to call her stylist, but he didn't answer. A couple days went by, and she texted me saying she didn't like the way she was being treated like a criminal. I said I was trying to prove her innocence, and also texted that from our conversations at Kinkfest, it seemed like she was starting to want more from our relationship than casual. She said she did, so I thanked her for sharing her life with me up until that point, and we haven't been in contact since. I bought a new flat iron for Heather.
So that catches me up till March 21. The months of April, May, and June are all about planning for the summer festivals, and playing Guild Wars 2 with Joel. I've planned out my summer to go to the Oregon Country Fair, FaerieWorlds, the Whitaker Block Party, Beloved Festival, and Pacific Fire Gathering!
OREGON COUNTRY FAIR: July 11 - 13
When I looked at camping, the website said that camping was only for volunteers at the fair, so I made plans to drive there (2.5 hours) and back each day. I posted all my rides on zimride.com, and got quite a few passengers - enough to actually pay for my gas the entire weekend!
The fair was awesome! I wore my satyr costume each of the 3 days. It was just so fun to walk along the crowded pathways, and have everyone light up at the sight of me! I also got some really great photos of me with other people in costume. Before I went, I actually made myself an excel spreadsheet of all the shows I wanted to watch, and still couldn't fit them all in! The shows I went to were awesome. I enjoyed myself so much. I also met 2 girls, one of whom I found was going to Faerieworlds, so we agreed to meet there.
I also found out from some people there that the Canterbury Renaissance Fair was the following weekend!
CANTERBURY RENNAISSANCE FAIR: July 19
I had a lot of fun here. It wasn't quite as cool as OCF, but still awesome. And the jousting/swordfighting demonstration was really fun to watch! At some point I hung out at Oberon's Tavern there, and met some people. On my way home, there was a car accident, and I looked over and recognized the girl I was talking to at Oberon's. So I pulled over, and eventually gave them a ride back to Portland. I was very proud of my little Honda Fit - it fit their stage and both of them all the way home!
FAERIEWORLDS: July 25 - 27
This was absolute magic. I'm going to try to remember all that happened, and when, but I'll probably screw it up.
Friday, July 25: I left around 8am, got there around 10am, and set up camp. I brought my porta-shower, because I heard there were no showers there. I got registered, went in to tour the grounds, and went back to take a nap before the actual event started. Right at the start, I went to get henna'd because I wanted it all weekend. Then wandered the venders until the opening ceremony. During the opening ceremony, they invited me to participate! So I walked around the circle with a hobo stick :). Then we all did the spiral dance - was very fun. Right after that, I met a guy who was playing the pennywhistle, so he showed me a few tunes. Then I ran into the girl I met at Oregon Country Fair (Sablan), along with a new friend she was with (Sarah). We hung out that day, visiting vendors, hanging at the bar, etc. We met (Eden) by admiring her newly-bought staff. We danced to Omnia at 10pm, and hung out by the stage afterwards, with Sablan practicing her hula hoop. We met Aviva there - she showed us some hula tricks. Steve from Omnia was having a smoke break, and joined us walking the grounds. Aviva was completely star struck lol.
We were starting to head back to the camping site, when a guy (Atreyu) comes up to us and says to Sablan "you look cold, I just wanna wrap you up in my bear rug". So, we go back to his camp and we get his bear rug - and his 5-pound bag of weed, of which 2 pounds are left. Aviva says she has to go back to her hotel, so we walk her to the parking lot, and discover there's a barn there. We go explore the slightly spooky barn, make animal calls to people from it, and have a good time. We drop off Aviva, and on the way back, we come across a generator powered light, and Atreyu stops and says: "Do you want to play a game that involves the most erogenous organ of the body? It's your brain!" He sits down, and gets out story dice! Playing story dice with Atreyu was HILARIOUS! He just comes up with stuff that's completely sideways!
When the story was complete, we headed back to my tent, and had a big cuddle puddle till the morning. Atreyu had to get up early to work, and we slept in.
Saturday, July 26: We got up late, visited the vendors some more, hung out at Oberon's with Eden, and just relaxingly spent the day - I can't remember all that happened that day, but a lot of it was spent at the flow toys section trying to learn to spin poi. We ended the night with me telling Sablan, Sarah, and Eden my complicated story with Heather. Afterwards, Eden had to go, and Sablan wanted to roam, but Sarah and I stayed in the tent and talked. Sablan came back after a while, and we all slept in again.
Sunday, July 27: Sablan and I slept in, and caught up with Sarah later. That day was REALLY hot. So hot I actually had to cry uncle and change out of my satyr costume for a while. Later that night Steve from Omnia came to join us again. He invited us backstage in the teepee after some shopping, and told us about some of his childhood. Then we all went to Oberon's and hung out, then went back to camp to sleep.
Monday, July 28: This was just packing up camp and leaving. It. Was. Magical!
Last week I spent quite a bit of time in meditation. At one point I started thinking about soulmates. One version of people's belief in soul mates is that two people are a part of the same oversoul, and that's why they have such a strong connection. I started thinking about how you wouldn't want to hurt your soulmate, because you'd be hurting a piece of your own soul. While I was sitting with that thought, and the emotions of it, a picture of a hierarchical tree formed in my mind. I literally laughed out loud as I realized that, just as we can be pieces of the same oversoul, those oversouls are all pieces of the same oversoul above that - God! I laughed out loud because I realized our over souls are just pieces of god, I was thinking only one level up the tree. You could instead say that we are all pieces of the same oversoul.......God.
Then at another time during that meditation I was thinking about how to help your soulmate. I started getting pictures of vibrations, and realized that to help your soulmates, you raise your own vibration, which will raise the vibration of those around you. You don't have to actively interfere with anyone in your life. You just have to raise your own vibration. That will raise the vibration of those around you, and thus you will be raising the energy of God.
So how do you raise your energy level - what do you do? This has been something I've struggled with my whole life. What should I be doing to fulfill my highest potential. I don't know how I received this realization, but it came to me that I shouldn't ask what I should be doing. I should instead ask who I can BE. When you ARE an enlightened individual, those around you can't help but be affected. I'll have to explore who I specifically want to be in a later post - for now I'm going to go deeper into this do vs be realization.
In order to BE a better person, I must always be conscious of my actions, words, and thoughts. I must know myself, what thoughts motivate my behavior and words. As I thought about this it essentially came down to: Always thinking of what person I'm being = conscious living = meditation.
Further thinking into who I wanted to be brought me to the teachings of Christianity: love your neighbor as your self, judge not, etc. I realized that Christianity actually mapped out how to be a better person. That was the core message hidden among all the other crap that came along with it. Christianity and western religions explained WHAT to do, but didn't do a very good job with WHY to do it. The motivation was wrong. People read the bible and figure they have to "be good" so they can get into heaven. This leads to selfish "do good" behavior, judgement of others who "aren't gonna get into heaven", and leads to a clear distinct separation between planes of existence - you're stuck here on earth until you die, then you suddenly jump to the next level.
On the other hand, Eastern religions got the WHY right - raise your vibration so you can exist on higher planes of existence, and you can continuously improve yourself, and access those higher planes of existence as you live your life. It takes a certain level of purity and consciousness to be able to see auras, channel higher beings, astral travel, be psychic, etc.
But eastern religions didn't explain the WHAT/HOW very well. I read that all these things are possible, experienced astral travel a few times, but from what I read, it was simply: meditate, think of nothing but your breath to quiet your mind, and you will raise your vibration. That lesson may be true, but it doesn't seem to be working the way I thought it would. Nowhere in that lesson was the mention of how to change your everyday behavior to be a better person. I see now, in writing this, that that's what's happening for me, but it seems like that little piece: "meditation will make you have realizations that will assist you in BEING a better person, just like Jesus taught", could have been spelled out a little clearer in all the books I've read.